Things We've Learned, Weeks Three And Four

Things I’ve Learned By Living In Alaska, Weeks 3 & 4

1) It’s going to snow so much that it will cover the fire hydrants. Frequently.
Driving through town the other day, we realized all of the fire hydrants had 5-foot-tall lengths of bright orange PVC pipe sticking straight out of the tops. We realized it’s so firemen can find the hydrants even when it snows so much that the hydrants are hidden. I like it because the pipes look like festive streamers, so it’s easy to pretend there’s going to be a fun street party.

2) Hippies are impervious to cold.
On Wednesdays I like to work out of a hippie coffee shop. Everyone has tattoos of peace symbols, the smoothies are all “vegan,” and there are incredibly mean signs by the stack of napkins reminding you that every time you wipe your mouth you’re killing a tree (or something like that.) The front door has recently broken, however, so when people come in, it doesn’t automatically shut behind them. The wind comes howling into the shop, blowing the precious napkins around, the snow blows into your coffee, your fingers get too numb to feel the computer keyboard. The first time it happened, I was furthest from the door, so I waited for someone to get up to latch the door. For 15 minutes. Finally, blue, I got up and shut it. It happened 5 minutes later, so I got up and shut it again. Someone walked in while I was returning to my chair, so I thought, someone else will give me a break and get the door….but nothin’. The hippies continued to sit and talk about capitalism or hackysack or “Two And A Half Men” or whatever hippies talk about and, although they were shivering, no one would stand up to close the door. As I got up again to shut it, I realized, maybe it’s not that hippies can’t feel cold. Maybe it’s just that they’re really smart and know I’ll eventually get the door for them. I couldn’t decide whether to weep, set my table on fire for warmth or become a Republican.

3) Glaciers actually do look exactly like Superman’s “Fortress of Solitude.”
It’s awesome.

4) When you hear the wolves, the hike is over.
MTF and I took a long, leisurely, 30-minute hike out onto the middle of the Matanuska Glacier. When we were about halfway out, we kept hearing a strange noise. “What is that?” “I have no idea…what is it?” … “Wait. Good, it’s getting louder. Can you tell what it is?” … “Hang on, let me take off my hat to liste…oh, dude. Yeah, that’s wolves.” We got back to base camp in 4 minutes flat.

5) If a moose wants to cross the road, the moose is going to cross the road and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Think about it. If you’re driving down the highway and a car starts to veer into your path, you can a) swerve, knowing the other car probably won’t swerve with you; b) get the driver’s attention by honking; c) give the finger (not me, of course, Mom, but you know, some people.) If you’re driving down the highway and a moose starts to walk into your path, none of the above applies. Actually, at first you think it might work, and you honk and yell and shake your fist out of the window all while swerving wildly around the road to try to miss it, then you feel pretty stupid when you realize the moose not only didn’t care, he didn’t even look at you.

6) Graffiti in Alaska is really pretty.
Like any highway, driving along the curving mountain roads, you see a lot of “Karen >Hearts< Steve” or “Jim Was Here” graffiti along the side of the road. But since the side of the road is a steep wall of dirt that turns into a rocky mountain, people write their messages by spelling it out with the smooth white rocks you see everywhere instead of spray paint.

7) Don’t leave your drink in the car for “later.”
It turns out when it’s 14 degrees outside, that half-bottle of Gatorade you left in the cupholder has turned into a solid green popsicle. (We are very glad we learned this lesson with a half-bottle of Gatorade and not an unopened Coke, by the way.)

8) You don’t have to go right home after the grocery store, even if you have ice cream.
“Wanna go out for brunch after we go grocery shopping?”
“Yeah, but we need to go home first. We have chicken, ice cream.”
“…Babe? It’s nine out. It’s warmer in the freezer.”
“Ha! Awesome. Rooty Tooty Fresh And Fruity, here we come!”

9) It’s fun to live where clothes don’t matter.
I was so used to wondering if my boot heels were the proper height this season or worrying that the snotty intern was going to ask again why I never wore “Seven”-brand jeans that it’s actually a relief to live somewhere where people could not be less interested in your clothes. (And quite lucky, too, since our stuff still hasn’t arrived and I’m living out of the same small suitcase I packed back on September 8.) I like to amuse myself by thinking about the fact that my entire outfit today cost $1.76, thanks to the buy-one-get-one-for-88-cents sale at JC Penny’s last weekend.

10) People love telling you how long they thought they were going to live in Alaska.
It’s a state-wide tic. Tell someone you’ve just moved to Alaska and they immediately tell you a) how long they meant to stay when they moved here then b) how many decades they stayed. There’s no variation here. “Hi. My name is Christy and we just moved to Alaska three weeks ago.” “Three weeks, huh? When I moved to Alaska, I meant to stay for two years. That was THIRTY-TWO YEARS AGO! HA HA HA HA!” Every. Single. Person. The winner was Rabah, the owner of the Middle Eastern restaurant we found. According to Rabah, he came to Anchorage from Manhattan Beach, CA, for a 10-day vacation … and hasn’t been back in 17 years.